Sunday, February 22, 2009

Hello. Please Stop. (Vol. I)

Hello guy at the gym. Please stop smelling.

Please, I beg of you. When I'm on the elliptical machine I'm required to breathe -- heavily. And that, in turn, requires me to smell heavily, which is very, VERY difficult when you smell so, SO badly.

Listen, I was three machines away from you and yet your stench was undeniable. It was so bad the heavy fog of odor settled into the fibers of my otherwise freshly-scented clothing, and stayed with me until I hurriedly drove home and showered away your scent.

[Jude Law -- Smelly Gym Guy?]

Smelly Gym Guys, please do your fellow gym patrons a favor; consider this three-step approach:

1. Check out that thing you heard about called deoderant. Pick your favorite scent, then apply it before you leave the locker room.

[I still love the smell of Brut.]

2. Trim up your pits. No, this will not make you look like a chick. Think of it this way: Would you wear a shirt that absorbed and subsequently disseminated odor? I think you get the picture.

3. Wear a shirt with actual sleeves. Sleeveless shirts are neither attractive nor conducive to preventing your odor from traveling to unwitting noses.

[Oddly, this man says "no" to Smelly Gym Guys but "yes" to sleeveless shirts.]

Smelly Gym Guys, please consider this important three-step method. Not only will it improve my quality of life, but taking these measures can also improve your love life by up to 72%.*

*This is not an exact figure but has been anecdotally proven to be accurate by the Shut-In.